Relax, I am not now, nor will I ever write a blog about my period.
As I was saying in my last post, you get the most fascinating and amusing replies on a dating profile when you resort to brutal honesty and self depreciating humor. Take this gentleman who messaged me this morning. He posed some very thought-provoking questions including “favorite body of water?” to which I, of course, replied “my vagina”.
Now, in the interest of protecting my karma, I won’t copy and paste messages from someone from OK Cupid without their permission so you will have to use your imagination in filling in his response that, in turn, prompted me to reply with the following.
Hi _______,
Thank you for that well-informed synopsis on vaginal secretions. When I first started reading I was amused, although admittedly bored by the scientific refresher course in just what it is that seeps into the cotton between my thighs when a handsome man invites me to his gun show. Being at work I was hastily skimming your reply when something caught my eye and brought me to full attention.
“It can vary in consistency, texture, taste, color, and odor, depending on sexual arousal, the phase of the menstrual cycle, the presence of an infection, certain drugs, genetic factors, and diet.”
Diet?!!!
Now, It’s long been understood by both sexes, I think, that a considerate man will dine on pineapple and avoid asparagus the day before a romantic encounter in order to delight his lady with a sweet treat, however, It has never occurred to me that I should do the same. After all, I have always been assured that I do indeed already have “a sweet pussy”.
I did some research of my own and found this from Jezebel.com
“I found pineapple mentioned frequently as vaginal taste aid. Apparently, it’s high in sugars, and when you eat it, some internal mechanism sends tiny Magic School Buses to your stomach to cart away the sweet pineapple molecules straight to your vagina. Also recommended: apples, celery, yogurt, red grapes, cranberry juice, lots of water, mint, watermelon, strawberries. Basically, anything that grows that isn’t smelly.
According to the anecdata, any food that can make you have weird farts, bad breath, or strong smelling pee should be avoided — beer, coffee, alcohol, asparagus, most dairy, onions, shallots, meat, and fish. And while smoking will make you cool, like cooler than you could ever manage on your own, smoking will make the taste of your body’s juices turn sour. If you already smoke and are about to defensively insist that your juices taste like peach nectar, just imagine how scrumptious you’d taste if you kicked the habit.”
So, my new friend, I thank you. While I have yet to meet the man, or mouth, worthy of foregoing bacon, surely I will consider a diet fortified with strawberries, just in case.
Moistly yours,
J
P.S. I was really worried about the hamster in your story. We’ve all shat ourselves in a hungover stupor at least once. At least no hamsters were harmed in the process. I think we can agree that if that’s the closest your hamster gets to knowing what’s going on in the region of your ass, then he should be grateful.
Nurseratchet 